Monitors and Measured Breaths
by LLF
Summary: Season 12's finale and beyond.....Abby and Luka
1. Chapter 1

_**This site brought us together as friends...so we decided to attempt writing the same story but from different points of view. (Thank you Mrs. Eyre and Californiagirl for the idea!) Here is the end of Season 12 and beginning of 13 through Luka's eyes. For Abby's point of view, read 'Postdiliuvian' by Bel Vezer. Oh...we don't own any of the ER characters...but only borrow them on occasion. Happy reading **_.

Damn. I watched Kerry stride off. Could this day get any worse? It had started out fine. More than fine actually. The nursery was painted and the crib almost finished. It had taken me all night but thinking about Gallant and Clemente had kept me from sleeping. Abby had padded into the room from the bedroom across the hall looking so sleepily sweet this morning.

"Bob Vila, watch out," she'd said as she looked at the mess of crib frame and wood slats, tools and screws.

"It's not finished yet." I was frustrated with it all. We sat together on the couch and looked it all over. The blue tape outlining the yellow painted wall sections...boxes of furniture waiting to be opened and assembled.

"I went with the yellow, " I said. "Because we don't know if it's blue or pink." I'd leaned over her belly with a smile. "What's it going to be...blue or pink, huh?" I kissed the warm flannel pajamas that covered her belly and smiled as I felt our child moving. She swung the stuffed panda from the couch by one hand and studied it.

"Is it me or are pandas kind of creepy?"

"They're terrifying..." I said as I pressed my ear to her belly. "Hey, steady..." I sighed and then admonished our child with a smile in Croatian. Abby had sighed heavily.

"Listen..." she'd said. "I know we don't say it because, I guess, that's just the way we are, but I hope you know how much I love...this. All of this." I was still, listening to her, but a smile began to tease my lips. It was taking a lot for her to say this. I could feel her heart beating fast. I couldn't believe where she was taking this.

"But since we are on the cusp of this hugely life altering event..." she went on, " and we haven't been as specific as we could about us, our relationship..." Okay. That was my opening.

"You're right..." and I'd said it quickly. "Let's get married." I knew I'd caught her off guard. She was silent. I waited for a moment and then looked up at her. She was smiling, but not exactly in the way I'd wanted her to be.

I was so disappointed. Coupled with the fact that I had gotten no sleep, working together was not as easy as it usually was.

"'Cold shoulder, huh?" she said as she followed me into the hall after I'd signed off on her patient.

"Not exactly the answer I was hoping to hear."

"Not exactly the best proposal I've ever heard."

"How many have you heard?" Wow. That was hurtful and it hit the mark. I could see it in her face before she turned to walk away. I reached for her shoulder.

"Hey...hey...hey...okay...so you don't know exactly what you want this to be...how committed..."

"No, I just don't want to get married for the sake of getting married. I tried that once." Damn Richard.

"Don't we love each other?"

"It's not about that. Of course we do." Aha...she'd finally said it...almost.

"Don't you think we should stay together forever..."

"I don't know if anyone should...or can." Double damn Richard.

"Paging Dr. Lockhart..." Morris's voice traveled down the hall to us.

"I just...let me get through one humungus life change at a time, okay?" That pout of her's. It could be so endearing and so very frustrating.

"Luka," Kerry called from the other direction. "Do you have a minute?" I looked at Abby.

"Sometimes," I said. "'It's easier if you lump them all together."

I walked away with Kerry but my mind wasn't on anything she was saying...Emergency Med Exec meeting...risk management... litigation... Clemente situation...and then it hit me.

"I should have fired him sooner?"

"The warning signs were there and you had the authority." We both stepped back as a supply cart was pushed between us. What the hell was she saying?

"Am I going to lose my job over this?"

"All I am saying is that if I weren't Chief of Staff, I'm not sure you would be Department Head so let's just get through this, okay?" And then she'd walked away. Clemente had been a thorn in my side since taking the Department Head job and she knew it. I'd done everything short of firing him because I knew she wouldn't support that decision. Damn. She was setting me up to take the fall for him. The morning was getting worse and worse. People were coming and going. The triage area was full. We were all kept on a run. It was all I could do to keep on top of things. And there was even an incredibly incompetent EMT trainee that kept getting underfoot.

I picked up the clipboard and scanned the notations. Unbelievable.

"These vitals are all wrong," I sighed angrily. "Where's Sam?"

"Uh...she would be with prisoner number one," Ray said. I looked at him in confusion. The look on Ray's face told me everything I needed to know. He explained about two prisoners being brought in. Prisoner?

"Steve is here?" Ray shrugged and indicated the end of the hall where the trauma rooms were. I strode down the hall and glanced into the first trauma room. It was empty. That was wrong. Two prisoners had been brought it. That should have meant two trauma rooms. The blinds were closed on the window of the suture room next door. I tried the knob. It was locked. I knocked on the door.

"Hey, open up." The blind was pulled aside by the EMT trainee I'd dealt with earlier.

"Just a second," she said and let the blinds fall again.

"Come on..." I muttered as I waited. And then the lock was turned and the door opened.

"Hi," I said. "What's going on?" I took a quick look around the room and found myself staring straight into the barrel of a gun. Sam stood off to one side and her expression was one of anger and fright. She was shaking her head. Steve stood just behind the door and was glaring at me. The EMT... Mary...was it?...shut the door and locked it again.

"Sit down," the guy with the gun ordered. "Tape him up, babe." I grabbed Steve and swung him in front of me as Sam shouted and leapt at the guy with the gun. Suddenly I felt a needle stick in the back of my neck. I was losing strength and Steve punched me in the stomach with his elbow. He turned and hit me across the face with a gun and I felt myself slipping to the floor. The last thing I saw was his shoe heading toward my face.

There was an explosion inside my head. At first I could only see red and then blue sparks and then there was fog. Swirling, thick, misty fog. I tried to move but couldn't. I couldn't even open my eyes. Oh lord...I couldn't breathe either. Nothing was working. I could hear though. I heard Sam. I heard voices arguing and felt my head tilted back and my mouth forced open as someone...Sam?...tried to ease the blades of a laryngoscope into my throat. It was pulled out again and I could hear the desperation in her voice as she argued with Steve. "Put your hand...put your hand on his Adam's apple...like that," she said. My mouth was opened again and I could feel pressure on my throat. The tube slid in and suddenly I was moving air again.

"Okay...okay..." she said "Squeeze that bag like that, okay? Squeeze it like that."

"'I swear to god, right now...right now!" I forced my eyes open and I was seeing Sam with a gun pointing at her head.

"Thank god...thank god," she was saying to me. "I'm so sorry...ow!" And she was gone.

"He still needs help breathing!" she shouted.

"Too bad for him," someone said. It wasn't Steve. The lights were switched off and the room became quiet. I was alone.

I tried to sit up but my hands were taped to the sides of the gurney. Nothing short of a knife or scissors would get them free. The tube in my throat was hindering my ability to raise my head to look around. I rocked my body from side to side trying to move the gurney. It slipped closer and closer to the shelves along the wall. I used my feet to push, praying that the gurney would come closer to the windows to the door of the lighted trauma room next door. Then I heard it. Gun shots. Volley after volley after volley. Oh God...Abby was out there!

I rocked again but the gurney didn't move. I pulled and tugged at the tape on my hands. I could hear silence and then people shouting. I looked up and the gurney from the next room was pulled out. I could see some activity and then nothing. I rocked and rocked and pulled...and then I saw her in the window. Abby. I was relieved. She was okay. And then she folded over and I lost sight of her again. She stood up and shook her head a bit. I saw her look at her hand and then my heart stopped as she pressed her hand to the glass of the window for support. Her hand was covered in blood...thick, black blood. And then she slipped from my sight as she fell to the floor. I pulled and tugged and rocked some more. Stronger and more insistent...fighting against the tape that held me prisoner. Inside my head I was screaming for help. Someone...anyone...come! Oh God...it was all happening again. Helpless...and I was losing my family again.

I was terrified as I stopped rocking the gurney. I was getting no where. Then I heard a shout from the room next door. Ray was standing in the room on the other side of the windows. Haleh rushed in and looked down at the floor in horror. Abby. My heart was pounding. They disappeared from my sight so I knew they were tending to her on the floor. Kerry pushed through the door into the room where they were. I began to rock again, trying to force the gurney to the door between us so I could get their attention.

Finally...finally...Kerry pushed open the door to the suture room and found her way blocked by my gurney. She shoved it aside and flipped on the lights. What a sight she must have seen. Me, intubated and taped to a gurney. Two police officers drugged unconcious and tied up on the floor.

"My god...Luka!" she cried. Kerry hurried grabbed a pair of surgical scissors from a discarded tray nearby and cut the tape from my hands. I carefully pulled the intubation tube from my throat and sat up as she cut away the tape from my feet. I climbed off the gurney and pushed open the door of the trauma room. My legs felt like rubber. I had to steady myself for a second as I lost my balance. My heart stopped in my throat. Abby was unconscious on a gurney and there was a pool of blood on the floor. Abby's blood. I hurried to her side and listened as Haleh rattled off her vitals to Ray.

"Abby," I said as I leaned in close to her ear. "I'm right here." Haleh had started an IV in one arm and I took a stethescope from Ray and listened for Abby's heart. It was weak and thready. I moved to her stomach and tried to find the baby's heartbeat. It was there...weak but there. The door burst open and Janet Coburn strode in carrying a portable a fetal monitor.

"Oh my god...is that her blood?" Janet said as she slipped a bit in the pool on the floor. "Let's hang some type specific...now!"

"I've already ordered it," Haleh said. Her eyes met mine and she forced a small worried smile. Dori burst into the room with a bag of blood. Haleh added it to the IV pole and ran another line into Abby's arm as Dori covered Abby with a sheet and helped remove her blood soaked jeans and panties. Janet was examining Abby's bared belly and looked up at me.

"We have to get her to surgery, Dr. Kovac," she said firmly. Abby's head turned back and forth on the table and her eyes fluttered open.

"Luka!" she cried weakly. I leaned over and smiled carefully at her.

"Hey," I said as calmly as I could. "You've given us a scare here." I cupped her cheek in my hand so that her eyes were on my face as the gurney was pushed in to the hall toward the elevators. I hurried along side and kept smiling reassuringly at her.

"I fell," she said.

"I know," I replied.

"Jerry?" she asked. I looked up at Haleh.

"They're waiting for a surgical consult, honey," she said as she checked the IV lines once again. Abby grimaced and drew her knees up slightly.

"Oh god, Luka...I'm having...a contraction!"

"Then let's count together," I said carefully, trying to keep her calm. "Come on...one, two, three..."

"I can't... have... contractions. Too... early!"

"It will be fine, Abby. You're 30 weeks. NICU has handled preemies a lot younger than that." She shook her head from side to side as a tear slipped down the side of her face.

"It's too soon..." she cried. My heart sank as I tried to reassure her. But I was feeling the very same thing.

"No," I said as I took her free hand in mine. " Have a little faith in the NICU team, Abby. You were there. You know what they do best."

I glanced down the hall as we waited for the elevator. It felt as if everything were moving in slow motion. It looked like an all too familiar war zone. People sat in chairs holding their heads. Bandages everywhere. Chuny straightened from her task as she saw us moving by. Zadro turned to look. Inez froze in the middle of the hall. Kerry followed us.

"What the hell happened, Kerry?" I asked as we waited for the elevator to open. Abby groped for my hand again and I took it in mine and then leaned over to kiss her.

"I wanna be awake, Luka," she whispered in a panic. I just nodded. Kerry's face was grim as she watched us moving into the elevator.

"Good luck," she said. I nodded and turned back to Abby.

Partial placenta abruption...the words rang over and over in my thoughts as I sat near Abby's head in the delivery room. Her arms were strapped straight out either side of her with one line or another attached every which way. There was a drape obscuring our view of the operating area as they quickly prepared her for an emergency C-section. Her eyes were huge above the oxygen mask as she watched me. I smiled and smoothed the hair away from her forehead and kissed her there. I leaned my head next to her's and whispered in her ear.

"Everything is going to be fine," I said quietly. "We've come too far, you and I." She nodded slightly and tried to talk. I pulled the oxygen mask away.

"Baby warmer ready? Is someone...NICU?" I rolled my eyes and nodded. Abby looked over as Dr. Raab moved within her sight line. She smiled.

"We're right here, Abby," she said. Abby closed her eyes in relief.

"Baby... probably... intubated right away," Abby said weakly as her eyes flew open again in panic.

"We're ready for that as well," Dr. Raab said. She smiled and moved out of sight again.

"Go watch them, Luka... please," Abby pleaded. I shook my head slowly and put the oxygen mask back in place. I wasn't leaving her. Tears slipped down the sides of her face and I wiped them away. Our eyes met and I smiled.

"I'm making the uterine incision now, Abby," Dr. Coburn said from the other side of the drape. "You're going to feel some pressure but that's fine." I put my hands on either side of her face and rubbed her cheeks gently. I kissed her forehead and wiped another tear away with my thumb. I adjusted the oxygen mask and smiled at her again. My heart was racing and I tried hard to stay calm...for her sake. Finally I stood up and moved to a position where I could see what was happening. I held her hand.

"We've got a little boy," Coburn said. My heart dropped as I saw the baby...very tiny and very blue...as it exchanged hands from Dr. Coburn to Dr. Raab. They worked quickly as he was cleaned and weighed and monitors attached. Someone...a resident...was using his fingers for CPR on that tiny little chest. I turned back to Abby and sat down again.

"Apgar?" she whispered.

"It's a boy..." I said with a smile as I looked into her eyes. "We have a son."

"What's his apgar?" she asked again.

"They're working on him, Abby," I said avoiding the answer to her question. "He's tiny." She was struggling to keep her eyes open.

"I can't get this incision closed," Janet said. "Hang another unit of blood."

"Oh god..." Abby murmured in panic as her nose started to bleed. "I am in DIC."

"Blood pressure is dropping," a nurse said. I reached for a corner of the drape to wipe her nose. I looked up as a monitor went off and there was a flurry of activity on the other side of the drape. Another monitor beeped near the baby's bed and he was encircled by the doctors working on him.

"Let's intubate...now!" Dr. Raab ordered. My head was swimming and my heart was aching. I was back in that bombed apartment in Vukovar...and it was happening again. I was losing them both. I looked down at Abby's ashen face. She had lost consciousness. The protective drape came down and Dr. Coburn looked at me frantically.

"She's bleeding out, Luka," she said. "I may have to take the uterus." Our eyes met and there was an ever so slight nod on my part...not so much as giving permission, which it dawned on me suddenly that I really couldn't do, as agreeing to her decision.

"We need to get him to NICU while he's stable...stat," Dr. Raab said as they prepared to move the baby from the delivery room. "Are you coming?" She looked at me expectantly. I was torn. I looked down at Abby and then at the tiny baby in the warming bed.

"Go on," Janet said firmly. "I'll take care of her, Luka. Go with your son." I pressed a kiss to Abby's forehead and squeezed her unresponsive hand.

"Bog biti sa te , moj hatar," I whispered in her ear. "God be with you." I smoothed her hair again, nodded at Dr. Coburn and followed the baby's team from the operating room.

It was hard just standing back and watching them work on the baby. We didn't even have a named picked out for him. He was intubated, had a tube in his umbilical cord, another tube here and another tube there, a heart monitor placed on his chest. The mottled blue skin began to pink up as oxygen was forced into his tiny body and the monitors were blipping and blinking. Everything was there. Ten minuscule fingers and toes, perfectly formed shell-like ears, a tiny snub nose, eyelids squeezed shut against bright lights of the warming table. They finally moved aside and I was able to step a little closer. A NICU nurse was listening to my son's heart with her stethescope and smiled as I reached out a finger toward him.

"Dobrodošli na svjetski dan, dijete djecak," I whispered as I leaned in close. "Moj sin. Znati taj Volim te." The tip of my finger barely fit into the tiny hand. Suddenly I was overcome with emotion and needed to turn away. I leaned my head against the only open space on the wall next to the warming table and closed my eyes. My head was aching again...but not as much as my heart. I turned to my child once again.

"Tata je pravo ovdje.," I whispered. I left the NICU and stood at the glass doors in the hall where I could see them transferring my son from the warming table to an incubator. I took Abby's red cell phone from my pocket and placed the call to an over seas operator. After talking to my father and promising him that I would call him again when there was more news, I waited just a moment. Then I punched in the memory dial numbers. The phone rang twice and was answered.

"Hello, Maggie," I said. "It's Luka."


	2. Chapter 2

Abby slept deeply on the high hospital bed and her breaths were even and full. I leaned back in my chair and watched her...waiting for her to stir. There was color in her face again. Her surgery had gone well after the uterus was removed and the bleeding controlled. It had been so close. So very close. I stood up quickly as her head began to toss and she frowned. I leaned over the bed and held her face in my hands.

"Abby," I said quietly. Her eyes flew open and began to search mine. She was struggling to move and then caught her breath. I reached for the button of the pain meds dispenser and placed it in her hand.

"Push this when you need it," I said. She nodded and then reached for my hand.

"Luka...the baby..."

"He's holding on." I smiled and took the polaroid photo out of my pocket. I held it up for her. "He's as stubborn as his mother." Tears bleared her brown eyes as she studied the picture of our son. I slipped it into her fingers.

"He needs a name," I said. She took a deep breath and sighed.

"Joe..." she whispered not taking her eyes from the picture.

"Josef Kovac..." I nodded. "It fits him." She looked up at me and sniffed. There was the tiniest hint of a smile on her lips and I grinned. I leaned in to kiss her softly and her eyes closed.

"Go back to sleep, my love," I whispered. "I'll be back soon." She nodded and held tightly to the picture as she drifted off to sleep again. I smoothed the hair from her face and then headed out of the room toward the NICU again.

This had been my world for the past 8 hours. Blipping monitors and measured breaths. I washed my hands and slipped into a gown at the desk before finding my way to the incubator that held my son. I smiled down at him.

"Your mother is awake, Joe," I said as I reached in a finger to touch a tiny foot. I looked around for the card they had given me earlier and grinned as I pulled a pen out of my pocket.

"Josef Kovac," I wrote in careful letters. Underneath I printed the name 'Joe' in bigger letters. I peeled off the paper from the back and stuck the tag on the end of the incubator. I pulled the rocker closer to the incubator and gently traced my finger along his tiny leg.

"Josef?" I looked up and Kerry Weaver was standing there with a smile. "Nice name." I nodded and sighed. She circled the incubator and peered inside.

"How much does he weigh?"

"Three pounds. But he's a fighter." Kerry nodded and looked at me.

"Any word about Sam?" I asked her. She shook her head grimly.

"Apparently her son is missing as well." Damn. I dropped my head to my chest and then looked up at her.

"The police are on the case, Luka. They'll find them." She forced a smile.

"Jerry is out of surgery and in ICU so I am going to go check on him," she said. "I'll leave you to your beautiful son." She looked at him once more.

"He's going to make it, Luka." She smiled and left. I sat back in the rocker and looked around me. There were others in the NICU nursery. Other incubators and other parents. My fingers caressed the fragile new skin of my son's tiny knee and my eyes slipped shut against my will as I fell asleep in the rocker.

"'Dr. Kovac...Dr. Kovac?" Someone was shaking me as I slept in the rocker. I opened my eyes as one of the residents assigned to the NICU nursery spoke.

"They need you in...Abby's...room? Dr. Rasgotra just called." I glanced at Joe and frowned a bit at the eye patches swallowing his face but stood up and headed out of the nursery toward Abby's room at a run.

The door was open and I hurried inside. Neela was standing next to the bed holding a emesis basin as Abby was heaving into it. She looked at me worriedly.

"Dry heaves for the most part," she said quietly. "I paged Dr. Coburn. She ordered B-12 for her." I nodded and slipped to the other side of the bed. Abby leaned back against the raised bed and looked up at me. She was panting, her eyes wide. I took her hand.

"It's okay," I tried to reassure her. I put my hand on her forehead. She was burning up.

"Does she have a fever?" I looked at Neela. She went outside and looked at the chart by the door. She shook her head as she came back in.

"Oh...god..." Abby moaned again and struggled to pull herself up. She grabbed the basin and heaved into it again. I put my arm around her back to support her and held on till she stopped.

"Need some more of this?" I asked and put the medication dispenser button in her hand. Abby let it fall from her fingers and shook her head.

"Abby, you have had major abdominal surgery. You can't get through that without some pain meds" She shook her head stubbornly. Neela's eyes met mine.

"Do you want me to page Coburn again? Maybe she would order some Ketrolac? It's a non-narcotic. It might work for her. She's refused everything else actually." I nodded and Neela picked up the phone from the bedside table. I just concentrated on settling Abby back against the bed and held her hand as she closed her eyes. Pain. That was the reason behind the feverish high color in her face. I'd forgotten. She was trying to get through it all without using the narcotics that were part of standard surgical care. I pulled a chair closer to her bed and sat down. I took her hands in mine and just held on for dear life.

She slept uneasily for the next few hours...never once letting go of my hand. Just as I had slipped off to sleep next to the incubator, I closed my eyes next to her and slept in the chair. But it was also a fitful sleep. Every time she shifted - or moaned - my eyes flew open. At least she wasn't vomiting.

It was morning again when we woke together. I felt her hand squeeze mine and opened my eyes. She was watching me and smiled a bit.

"You were snoring," she whispered.

"I don't snore," I scoffed as I leaned forward toward the bed. She cocked a beautifully shaped eye brow at me and frowned.

"And who told you that particular fairy tale?" she sighed. I chuckled and reached up to smooth the dark tendrils of hair away from her face.

"Are you hurting?" I asked. She nodded slowly and then shrugged.

"I'm okay," she said as she took a deep breath. She winced as the breath caught in her chest. I reached for the meds dispenser and she shook her head. My own chest grew even tighter with worry.

"Abby..." She turned her head to look at me.

"I want to go see him."

"I don't know if you can just yet."

"Please, Luka," she said quietly as her eyes filled with tears. "Please make it happen." I gazed at her for a moment and then shook my head as I leaned in to kiss her softly.

"I'll see what I can do." I kissed her again, squeezed her hand and then strode out of her room and back to NICU.

Neela was sitting in the rocker by Joe's incubator and watching him intently through the glass. She looked up as I was going through the required hand washing and gowning process just inside NICU's entrance.

"How's Abby?" she asked as I approached.

"Awake."

"Has she taken any meds?" I shook my head. Neela looked back at Joe and sighed.

"I would be sucking it in as fast as they dispensed it," she said. She was silent for a long moment as I studied her slight form curled over in the chair. It was hard to believe that barely a day ago, she had been at her husband's military funeral.

"Do you think that it's occurred to her yet that if I hadn't asked you not to come to Michael's funeral...that you wouldn't be in this mess now?" She lifted her dark eyes to mine.

"You were his friends, after all," she said. "Knew him longer than me actually." She turned back to the baby. "She should hate me for this."

"No one hates you, Neela. Everything happens for a reason."

"Do you really believe that?" she said, not taking her eyes off my son.

"Yes," I said firmly. "I do." She frowned a bit and looked up at me again. I shrugged and she shook her head and smiled.

"I need your help now," I said. "Abby wants to come here to see him."

"How can anyone possibly say no to that?" She stood up from the rocker and there was a fire in her eyes.

"I'll take care of it," she said as she strode off. I turned to the incubator and supressed a smile as I studied the tiny little body inside. He was spread eagled inside with tubes and monitors everywhere. There was a little bag over his minuscule penis. His face was nearly covered by the mask that shielded his eyes from the light in the incubator.

"Did you hear that, Joe?" I said softly as I reached a finger in to his tiny hand. "Your Aunt Neela is ready to do battle for you." I glanced up at the blipping screens on the wall near his incubator.

"I think we are all ready to fight for you." I sighed and smiled at him.


	3. Chapter 3

_I do not own 'ER'...just borrow it's wonderful characters on occasion. Enjoy a different version of Baby Joe's beginnings. For Abby's POV of these events...read 'Postdiluvian' by Bel Vezer._

Abby had dozed off again but opened her eyes immediately when I opened the door to her room. Neela was right behind me with a wheelchair. Wordlessly I unfastened the catheter bag from the bed rail and laid it gently in her lap. I frowned when Abby picked it up and checked the out put.

"Stop treating yourself..." I scolded and she grinned. I contemplated how to do it without hurting her for a second and then she lifted her arms to my neck. She didn't make a sound as I lifted her carefully from the bed and settled her gently in the wheel chair. Neela slipped the catheter bag out of sight and then tucked the bed sheet blanket around Abby in the chair. She walked beside us as I pushed the wheelchair toward NICU. Abby's face was white and her eyes huge as we pushed the chair into the NICU 'box' and rolled the chair to the sink. I turned the water on and soaped up my hands and turned to her. I carefully rubbed her hands with soap, rinsed and dried them with paper towels. Neela helped her into a disposable gown and tucked it around her in the chair.

"Go and meet your son," she said quietly and stepped back. Abby nodded gratefully and waited while I put on a fresh gown and then wheeled her toward the incubator that held Josef. Dr. Raab was waiting for us there.

"Hello, Abby," she said with a smile. "I understand that there is a patient that you wanted to see?" I pushed her chair close to the incubator and then sat down in the rocker next to her. I gripped her hand and watched her as she studied our son for the very first time.

"He's so small..." she said finally.

"He's perfect," I said and kissed forehead. She drew her hand from mine and folded her arms across her chest and leaned in closer to the glass. I put a hand inside and rubbed the bottom of a tiny foot. Josef responded by curling his miniscule toes. I smiled and leaned my forehead against the glass. Abby listened wordlessly as Dr. Raab gave her a run down of Joe's condition. She asked a few questions and then leaned back in the chair carefully. Dr. Rabb studied Abby's face for a moment and then sighed.

'Well, I will leave you two alone with Joe for a while." And then she was gone. Abby glanced around NICU at the other babies and families and then back at me.

"He's too small, Luka," she said finally. I shook my head.

"He has everything," I said softly. "Ten fingers...ten toes...ears...nose...eyes..."

"A possible heart murmur...jaundice...a chance of cerebral palsy...apnea...**if** he lives." she added.

"He has a fighting chance." I said. "He has two parents who love him and will know how to take care of him. Right?" Her eyes met mine and she nodded slowly. We turned back to the incubator and she hugged her arms closer to her chest for a moment.

"I think I need to go back to my room now," she said quietly.

"Okay." I stood up and turned the wheelchair away. I glanced back at the incubator and leaned down to the opening and whispered to the baby inside.

"I know it's a bit early son," I said in soft Croatian. "But I am glad you are here." I rubbed the glass of the incubator and then wheeled Abby out of NICU and back to her room. She was silent as I smoothed the sheets and then carefully lifted her back into her bed. She watched me as I straightened the bed sheets around her and fastened the foley bag back on the bed rail.

"What happened to me, Luka?" she asked quietly. It was the question I was afraid of. The question that I had thought about how to answer and wasn't really prepared to. I took a deep breath and picked up her hand.

"You went into DIC...you were right about that," I said. She nodded slowly, her huge eyes never leaving my face. She looked so small...vulnerable...in that bed. I wasn't used to seeing her like that. Abby was tough.

"Janet had trouble getting the bleeding under control so she...uh...had to do a hysterectomy," I said finally. She frowned and her hand clenched mine tighter. "She had to remove your uterus but everything else is still in place. With your ovaries, you will still be able to nurse him." Abby's eyes closed and she turned her face away from me. She pulled her hand carefully from mine and slipped it under the sheets to feel the dressing that covered her belly. I put my hands on the sides of her face and turned it toward me. I kissed her closed eyes and her nose.

"I almost lost you again, Abby," I said softly as the realization suddenly set in for me. "This time it would have been forever. I almost lost you." She hesitated and then nodded slowly. Her eyes opened and she looked into mine. Her lips quivered and then she reached up and caressed my cheek. I buried my face against the curve of her neck and began to cry. I wrapped my arms around her and held her as all the pent up feelings began to overwhelm me. All the feelings and fears and frustrations from the past hours...the sense of loss...the joy of seeing our son... frightened as he struggled to breathe and to live...seeing her blood flowing everywhere ...white faced and in pain...trapped on that gurney myself as I knew what was happening...feeling like I was going to lose them both...knowing that I would want my own life to be over if that happened...again.

"It's okay, Luka," she whispered in my ear. "It's really okay." I pulled back and was lost in the brown eyes that held mine. Beautiful eyes that I loved so very much. She smiled slightly and kissed me softly.

"I think I want to go back to sleep for a little while," she said as her fingers gently wiped away the tears on my face. I nodded and leaned in to kiss her.

"I need to go check on things in the ER," I said. "But I will be back soon." She nodded and sighed as she closed her eyes and relaxed. As I reached for the chain that controlled the light over her bed, her eyes opened again.

"Luka..." she said. I stopped and smiled.

"Right here." Her eyes searched mine in a panic and then she took a deep breath.

"I need a breast pump," she said quietly. "Can you tell them that for me?" My grin broadened and I kissed her carefully again.

"I'll tell them before I leave," I whispered. She blushed a bit as she studied my face, smiled and then sighed as her eyes drooped shut. I watched as she slipped back into an exhausted sleep. I reached up, again, to switch off the glaring light over the bed and left the room.


End file.
